It’s a strange feeling for me whenever I’m organizing my schedule for the day, the month, or even the year. I’m putting on all my hat all at the same time while trying to figure out which one gets to be who for the day. I sometimes wonder even if there’s going to be a day I didn’t have to wear a particular hat.
To be many things all at once is something that a lot can understand but can be comprehended differently by each individual. I think this is because people can choose to only show one role they must play at a time. I’m having trouble now who I’m supposed to be so maybe that’s why I decided to write a little bit before getting back to work.
I haven’t had the chance to keep up with this blog because I end up documenting whatever it is I’m doing in my other social media accounts; they’re faster than writing an entire blog but I do feel they are less whole in a way as they disappear in an instant.
There was a time I was laughing at myself because it took me 30 minutes to finalize a post I wanted to publish. The painting took 30 minutes, the caption took me around 15 minutes to finalize, and with one second I pressed ‘Post’ and it was out in the world! But I realized people would most likely just look at it for 10 seconds and then maybe if I’m lucky, give it a like, maybe share it; but then proceed with scrolling through the feed. I know this is how social media works, and I know that there’s also a chance that there will be someone who will invest more time in that painting I did, or someone who will appreciate it more as maybe they’ve learned something from it or felt something from it. I know this, but it made me feel that I have missed this “permanency” or valuing of writing in a blog even if no one but myself with benefit from it.
I’ve been wanting to do more, but at the same time I would like to do less. I’ve been having these thoughts because I am taking on various gigs that I am truly grateful for, I just wish I can divide myself into all those different roles wearing all those different hats so I may be 100% in each of those responsibilities.
Don’t get me wrong though, I have been making sure that the task in front of me receives that 100% each time; but it does also take away moments when I can be the same level just for me.
To do less doesn’t mean I don’t want the work, I love what I do; to do less maybe right now means wishing I have more time to do more and to rest more equally. And to want more does not mean I would like to possess more, I would just like to be able to grasp each of these roles more, really be able to have them with me without a thought of another role I must do right after.
As you can see my thoughts here are just pouring out, but it has been helpful as it does feel like a release; something that will benefit me later on as one of my roles today would be to compute my student’s grades and double check the film journaling essays they’ve been writing and submitting to me. I do enjoy these but I found myself wanting to write. This is the part where I say that this is me trying to do less while also wanting more. Being able to sit down and reflect on the things I have now, and having an outlet beyond those things is doing less.
Maybe I’ll make a habit out of this. Maybe I can try filling in my lulls with more of less, and lessening the desire to want more by grasping each chances I get. Paused for a moment here, I realized writing really does give me solace, I wouldn’t have gotten to that conclusion if I didn’t do this; now I’m wondering if I should click that ‘Publish’ button. It took me around 10 minutes to write this, around 30 minutes to decide to finally sit down and give it a shot after a long long time of not writing in this site of mine, and now it’s going to take me a single second to publish it; hope it lands on eyes and minds that needs it. Cheers!